The regret of being "kiasu"

i should express this by chinese,
but the computer lab dont have chinese program,
and i desperate to spill it out before i go crazy,
so here it is.

today i had a quiz,
i had read it last night
but what i read was A while the quiz was B
so?i started to scared
fear to hand in an empty paper, i chose to "discuss'
at the end of the quiz, we submitted it,
and, the lecturer asked,
why i choose to looked at my neighbor answer,
well, i told that i was not confident with my answer,
is that so?honestly i dont know
i used to be a carefree person,
but when temptation come,
i struggle
normally, i would say that do what you know,
but that is when i can answer most of the questions
i still can hold on that principal if i can answer half of the questions
but now, i go against my own principal when the condition is worst
at the moment
i felt that what i did make God down
i failed to stand firm with my principal
many thought come into my mind
"y me"
"others also do the same thing"
"y am i so unlucky?"
"i rarely do it"
all of them are incorrect
all these are jz my excuses
deep down in me
there is still some kiasu syndrome
many might say that "discussion" only mah
is a small matter
everyone do it
if u are caught
then u are unlucky nia
but for me
i know that what is wrong is wrong
there is no different between small cheat and big cheat in God eyes
they both are sins
if i say i wont be emo
i would be lying to myself, maybe others
though, is time for me to reflect myself
admitting that kiasu is one of my weakness
admitting that i feel envy
envy for those who can get high marks without putting efforts
i fell unfairness, i feel tired
is something like fishing
i fish everyday, getting fish
some cant get any fish while fishing
i'm glad to help them
but some dont even want to hold the fishing rod, and just ask for fish
i m trying to teach fishing, but some prefer just to get fish
and as time go on, people just expecting fish form me
its just so tiring
sometimes i fish all day and does not get any fish
and sometimes i just want somebody to fish with me
but
i'm alone (almost)
and at the end, the one who fishing getting lesser fish than the one who is not
the world is unfair, but, i really cant get used to it
its so mean
after today
i'm not sure whether i qualify to teach fishing or not
as i am a lousy fisher
and i will try harder
try harder till i have the courage to hand in a blank paper...